


tulips and orchids

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Series: polae fabulae [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Unrequited Love, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-04 17:47:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18609457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: they said he'd never have to worry about unrequited love





	tulips and orchids

Zoe used to say tulips were her favorite flower. That’s basic, he would say back to her. She would laugh and stick her tongue out and say, Well then what’s your favorite? Connor would smile like he knew the differences in flowers and say, Orchids. He had seen them once, in the back of Evan Hansen’s book on plants, and Connor decided they were his favorite. They were simple and elegant, everything Connor wished he could be. 

Connor doesn’t know when he stopped talking about flowers. It was sometime during elementary school. Maybe the printer incident? Or perhaps after his suspension when everyone walked on tiptoes around him. The other kids he’s known since kindergarten abandon him after in a burst of anger. Even Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman and their stupid books about trees and Zelda left Connor behind. He was completely, and utterly alone. Which was fine. Connor didn’t need anyone else, he had his parents and he had Zoe. They cared about them, even though things had been tense since Mom picked him up from school early on the day of his suspension. Things had been tense before, Connor just had to wait it out. 

“What’s it say?” Zoe sat with Connor on the floor of his bedroom. She had taken her position as Connor’s new best friend seriously and spent every afternoon with him. 

“Love Disease.” Connor said, reading the words from the page. They had stolen a book from Mom’s library. Zoe thought the title sounded magical, Connor thought it sounded like they were going to be learning. “Occurs in instances of un...unrequited love.” 

“What’s unrequieted mean?” 

“Unrequited,” Connor corrected. “dunno. Wanna ask Mom?” 

“No, let’s read one of your books.” 

Connor wished he had Zoe’s attention span. At six-years-old she was able to jump from topic to topic, never getting too caught up on one thing. The next day she wouldn’t remember this moment while Connor would stay up all night worrying about the love disease and the flowers in our throats. Did they hurt? Were they always there? What kind of flowers? Did you get to choose? And then came the problem of unrequited love. What was that? He had looked all through the book, but it never mentioned the love outside the chapter on flowers. 

“What’s unrequited mean?” he asked the next night. They were all together around the dining table, Mom and Dad’s schedule cleared up so they could have a meal as a family. 

“Where’d you learn that?” Mom asked. She was staring at him. Connor didn’t like it when people stared at him. He shrunk down. 

“It was in one of your books. The one about flowers.” Connor watches as her face drops. She looks at his Dad, but he just shrugs his shoulders and turns his attention back to the story Zoe was telling.

“Oh, sweetheart, it’s not anything you need to worry about.” 

Connor sits back up. “The book said it’s a disease.” He says, worry clear in his voice like the time he found out what cancer was and spent a week straight crying in his room. 

“It’s very rare, you’ll never have to worry about it.” 

“Are you sure? ‘Cause you said I’d never have to worry about the flu but then Jared Kleinman caught it and he’s not me but he’s in my class.” 

“I’m positive, because you’re amazing, Connor.” 

The conversation ended. He was amazing, his Mom said so, but Connor didn’t feel amazing. Some days he didn’t even feel good, he just felt there. It’s not like the time he was sick and he spent the entire week whining about feeling bad because even then he felt something. These days he felt nothing. Connor thought it was a problem but when he tried to bring it up they swept it under the rug like he was throwing a tantrum. 

“You obviously feel something, Connor,” Larry-no-Dad said. Connor stood on the opposite side of his Dad’s desk, hands clenched into small fists by his side. He was ten now, but still one of the smallest in his class. The other students laughed and picked on him, still talking about how he had thrown the printer like a psychopath. Most of them didn’t even know what the word meant, Connor had asked, and it wasn’t fair that they would use it to describe him. 

Connor took a deep breath and counted to ten, just like the guidance counselor had taught him to do. “I don’t, it’s just not there,” he tried again. Repetition was key for getting things done, that’s what they were learning in school.

“If we’re having this conversation then you’re feeling something. Now, go bother your mother. I’ve got a lot of work to get done today.” 

Connor left his Dad’s office feeling defeated. He tried, he really tried to explain it but Dad didn’t listen. Connor didn’t want to be like this anymore, he didn’t want to be broken. He wanted to be normal. Normal people felt things, normal people didn’t forget entire moments of supposed anger, normal people didn’t stay up worrying about flower diseases from unrequited love.

He really wasn’t normal, was he? Connor would have laughed had the realization not hurt so much. At least he was finally feeling something, after all that’s what he wanted. 

Connor learned to hide the pain he felt. He learned that Mom’s medication could make him feel numb. He learned Larry’s razor could make him feel alive. And he learned Zoe’s words could make him feel like the biggest mistake on the planet. It was his fault. She didn’t mean anything she said, she was just acting back on what he had started. It was what he wanted but that didn’t stop the itching under his skin every time Zoe ran away from him crying. Connor was a monster. 

He stopped thinking about the flowers. By seventh grade he learned what unrequited meant. He also learned that Mom lies to him. Connor wasn’t awesome, and one day he was going to deal with them because who could love a monster like him? He just didn’t expect the day to come so soon. 

He was in biology with Evan Hansen, Sabrina Patel, and Alana Beck. Connor hid himself away in the back of the room. He worked alone, the labs basic enough he didn’t need to worry about a group and as long as he turned them on time his teacher didn’t care. Connor was content with the entire year going this way. The less human interaction he had the less of a chance he’d have or hurting someone. 

“Our final projects are going to be a bit different than what we’ve been doing so far.” 

Connor didn’t care about the new instructions. He hadn’t gotten lower than a 90 on any of the projects as of yet. And unlike some of the people in their class he knew how to read the directions. He wasn’t worried about what the teacher had to say. Well, he wasn’t until Evan Hansen was standing in front of his table. 

“Uh, hi? Um, Mrs. Smith said I’m your partner. I hope that’s alright.” 

Oh. Oh hell no. “I don’t do group work. Find yourself another person to bother.”

“Well, um, that’s the thing? Mrs. Smith said I had to work with you. Not that it’s a problem, like I’m completely fine with working together. She just uh, said I had to? Oh man, that sounds mean. I wanna work with you.” 

Evan was a blushing and stuttering mess. Connor wondered if he was always like this. He hadn’t talked to him since their kind of friendship back in the second grade. He didn’t remember Evan acting like this, but a lot of things had changed since then. 

“Yeah, I’ll pass,” he said. 

“Connor,” Mrs. Smith stepped around Evan. She set two copies of the instructions down on the table. “you need to work with Evan on this. It’s a partner project.” Mrs. Smith gestured towards the rest of the duos around the room.

“I don’t do group work.” 

“I know, but it’s required that we have at least one group project in the year. You’ll be fine. Evan’s very sweet.” Evan’s face got brighter. “I think the two of you will work well together.” 

“Fine, but I’m doing this my way.” He snatched his instructions. Mrs. Smith walked away, probably looking satisfied with herself. Evan still stood on the other side of the table. Connor looked up at him. “You gonna..?” He pointed at the empty seat next to him.

“Oh! Right, uh, sorry.” 

“Uh huh. I wanna do this.” Connor highlighted Plant Growth on the papers. “My Mom has a garden and she should be starting it soon. We can just monitor her plants he next few weeks or something. That chill with you?” 

Evan started blushing again at the mentioning of gardening. Connor’s throat itched. “Yeah, I uh, I like plants.” Evan nodded. It wasn’t to Connor, perhaps himself? Connor didn’t know why the idea of Evan reaffirming his love of plants to himself felt so weird. 

“Cool. I’m gonna go back to reading until class ends, do whatever I guess.” He hid behind his book. He had to ignore the way his throat was burning, the need to cough overwhelming him. Coughing would get attention and god knows Connor didn’t need anymore of that. Fifteen minutes, that all he had to last. 

He lasted a lot longer because as soon as class was over the feeling was gone. Connor didn’t think too much about it until later that night at dinner. 

“How was your day, Connor?” He shrugged. “Connor?” Mom pressed. Connor sighed. He never could say no to her. 

“Mrs. Smith is making me do a partner project.” 

“Oh! That’s wonderful,” Mom was clapping. Because Connor was being forced to work with someone. He rolled his eyes and shrunk down. “who’s your partner?” 

“Evan Hansen.” 

The itchy feeling was back. Connor took a sip of water. It didn’t help and moments later he was hacking up his lungs. 

“Connor?” Mom rushed to his side. Zoe and Larry kept on eating as though he was dying. Glad to know they would care if he died. “Connor, are you alright?” 

He was not alright. His hands felt wet and sticky and his entire upper body ached. Of course he was in the middle of dying and couldn’t voice this. 

“Larry, could you pay attention to your son for one moment! He obviously needs help.” 

“What he needs is to stop being dramatic.” Connor could always count on Larry to be on his side. “He wasn’t sick this morning, he couldn't have gotten this bad so quickly.”

Connor’s coughing finally slowed down to the point he could breathe. He stayed double over, just breathing before uncurling from himself. He looked down at his hands. Were they supposed to be this red? Were those flowers? 

“Oh, Connor, honey…” 

He looked up. Mom, Larry, and Zoe were staring at him, different looks of confusion and sympathy. He liked back down at the petals in his hands and oh. 

Flower disease. Son of a bitch.

**Author's Note:**

> I have an obsession with hanahaki stories
> 
> i have a [discord](https://discord.gg/Pwah8sR) come join me in crying about endgame every twenty minutes


End file.
